There’s another scene in Death Warrant where Van Damme has a minute-long conversation with the late, great Robert Guillaume (of Benson and voicing Rafiki in The Lion King fame), where Guillame is seated and a very sweaty Van Damme is stooped over the table, and it’s pretty much photographed up Van Damme’s denimed a-hole. If you’re doing a prison movie, you show the camera your bottom. And who suits “business in the front, party in the back” more than Jean-Claude Van Damme? He’s in the business of kicking people in front of him in the head, and out back, well, he’s constantly flexing the muscles in his bottom - what a party! While there’s no nudity in Hard Target, Van Damme does constantly seem like he’s clenching.
It’s a totally fine hairstyle, it just sometimes finds itself on the wrong heads. Can former firefighter Darren McCord both subdue a crew of terrorists and make the final of the Stanley Cup go into overtime? Or will the villainous Powers Boothe’s plan - pay him the specific but cartoonish sum of one billion, seven hundred million dollars or “everyone in this box and in this arena will die, by explosion, fire and panic” - come to fruition? Despite being excellent - at one point Van Damme is in real danger of being killed with a meat tenderizer wielded by a one-eyed giant penguin - it’s one of JCVD’s less glute-centric films. Sudden Death is great, and one of many 1990s Die Hard -a-likes. This is by no means a complete list - the guy has 75 credits on IMDb - but there’s plenty of Belgian butt in here for everyone. With that in mind, here’s a look at some of his rear end’s moments in the sun. Dude’s constantly getting it out or clenching the fuck out of it, tensed buttocks stretching the fabric of his unusually high-waisted slacks. Hockey is replaced with basketball (a sport that doesn’t use the term “sudden death” but whatevs), a firefighting past is replaced with one in the military, and unlike Van Damme, White doesn’t seem like he’s constantly tensing all of the muscles in his bottom.īut you think Van Damme, you think ass.
The follow-up is Van Damme devoid, instead starring the awesome Michael Jai White ( Spawn, Black Dynamite ), who has formerly starred opposite the Muscles From Brussels in 1999’s Universal Soldier: The Return. This week saw the release of Welcome to Sudden Death, a reboot of the 1995 Van Damme firefighter-turned-security-guard hockey/assassination film. When a statue of him was unveiled in his native Brussels, people tried to stick their finger in its butthole.
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His famous cameo in Friends mentions his ability to crack a walnut with his buttocks (btw, the world record for doing this stands at 43 nuts in one minute, held by Japan’s Tomoharu Shoji ). An appearance on Conan immediately becomes a conversation about asses. It’s not the most common thing, an action star being famed for how frequently the camera lingers on his clenched buttocks, but ass is marbled through his career like fat through a steak. Like, he could obviously beat you up in a fight, but also, if you entered an Ass Notoriety Contest with him, his ass could beat your ass. Jean Claude Van Damme could beat your ass.
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